not long that gone

So i guess i'm not as gone as long as i thought i would be. Sometimes it's fun to take acid and watch movies. I think I take things too seriously and let everything overwhelm me. I'm feeling this tremendous disconnect this morning. This very real connection with work which i'm rejecting. My artistic creative energies have been re-ignited recently since i've healed from my injuries. It's starting to overflow and fill me up inside. All those emotions of care and wonder just flooding in and right now i feel like i'm drowning in all this emotion.

It's fine I know i got myself in this situation. I did a few things to let it all become what it is. I'm just waiting for that moment when i can float. The floating times come and letting all the compassion for living be there Let everything else slip away out of my nerves, thoughts, and feelings. I guess that's what it is. This outpouring that i want to give away. There's no one to send it to and if I try i believe it comes across as slightly insane, intense, not really acceptable by some. I guess that's what could be going on.

The separateness that I feel is kind of lonely, like it should be. No responses. Calling out in the sun filled room with everyone being idle and just glancing toward me. The sky coming down and touching me. Leaving me in a sate of almost ecstasy. Which i'm learning it's all about. Creating this almost ecstasy in the chaos of understanding.

I was thinking this morning that we have too much. We know too much. We're guided in this world by so much communication that it can continue the separated situation that i'm personally feeling. The blog is here to comfort. The networking websites. All these indirect people represented in static being and not much else. Then i'm here. Fighting it. Accepting it. Feeling an ease with it that's natural and not at the same time.

I like before when a phone call was a big deal. When a written letter really meant something. All this proficiency and glamor of talking to hundreds of people is losing something. Going back to another place is where i feel myself heading. . .I need to go there. My soul needs to go there. And what the fuck for?

For this fucking lamenting artist life. I'm not trying to play the tortured artist game. .. i know how that shit goes but, i think some artist's really do let themselves get twisted up in these knots. Wanting to be recognized for their contributions. They at the same time don't want to play the game. They don't want to "sell out" instead keeping their eyes focused on their own vision and nothing else. That's how it feels now. That vision is coming into focus. The need to look away from so many other things will help it be seen.

is it that easy? What else could it be? At least for me it's that way.... The infinite of too many distractions is leading the instinct of this life behind. The nature that we all grow from. To feel peace love and wonder. To know that today is yesterday and tomorrow is today. ..