We said goodbye and hello. Seeing above the smog was kinda tricky today. It took sometime to sit and think.
Ride my bicycle through traffic and home again. Eat the same thing as before and then back to the wondering.
Loving it all needing it all and being what you want the world to be.
Honest and understood.
Hands still as old music plays you've maybe heard a 100 times and each time it sounds perfect for where you're sitting and what you're feeling.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Turn Again and Turn Towards This Time
I stumbled home at 4:30am. I love LA.
This is it. This is my life and I am no longer waiting for it to begin.
Right now I am listening New Order’s version of Ceremony. It’s been on repeat since October.
Foreverever had a party on his rooftop last night following the bike treasure hunt that I could not participate in.
I, the BF, and some other friends watched a series of the lauded, 365 plays instead. It’s a great concept, but man it’s lame. I don’t regret going, and I feel inspired, just not blown away. Drinks followed, then the rooftop party in the toy district. Foreverever has a great studio.
Our neighbors invited us over for drinks when we got home. It was already late, but I was game. Not a big drinker, in fact, I am rarely seen with booze in hand so last night was special.
I could spend my years trying to analyze the lyrics of Ceremony, but the general feeling I get is of the urgency of this moment. This fucker is here and then its gone. And you can do what you want, feel anything you want, but the moments, they are just going to keep passing you like indifferent busses, groaning and ambling away from you.
My parents did their best to give us what we needed, but they couldn’t shield me from the horrors of the Teen Years, in the 80s no less. I did a great deal of letting the busses pass me by. I existed in a state of unwanted-ness, and I ensured that, languished in it, comforted by Echo and the Bunnymen, Joy Division, and the Smiths.
Still love those bands, but now my answer to this moment is Yes, and they make a great soundtrack.
At the after hours soiree, these tunes played. The host alerted the guest to her relatively recent boob job. One of us replied, “I noticed those were great boobs.” And we were encouraged to feel them. They felt great. Technology is so amazing. We learned a lot about how they were installed, saw BEFORE shots, felt them again. We also learned that this was the woman’s way of getting back at her now ex-boyfriend. She knew that he was cheating on her, so she somehow got him to pay for her boob job, then broke up with him shortly after. “PAYBACK! You dumb motherfucker. This is what I call PAYBACK! Look at these things, they’re amazing, and I told him to take his ten thousand dollar ring and shove it up his ass. This is the best break up gift ever.”
As I said, I love LA.
This is it. This is my life and I am no longer waiting for it to begin.
Right now I am listening New Order’s version of Ceremony. It’s been on repeat since October.
Foreverever had a party on his rooftop last night following the bike treasure hunt that I could not participate in.
I, the BF, and some other friends watched a series of the lauded, 365 plays instead. It’s a great concept, but man it’s lame. I don’t regret going, and I feel inspired, just not blown away. Drinks followed, then the rooftop party in the toy district. Foreverever has a great studio.
Our neighbors invited us over for drinks when we got home. It was already late, but I was game. Not a big drinker, in fact, I am rarely seen with booze in hand so last night was special.
I could spend my years trying to analyze the lyrics of Ceremony, but the general feeling I get is of the urgency of this moment. This fucker is here and then its gone. And you can do what you want, feel anything you want, but the moments, they are just going to keep passing you like indifferent busses, groaning and ambling away from you.
My parents did their best to give us what we needed, but they couldn’t shield me from the horrors of the Teen Years, in the 80s no less. I did a great deal of letting the busses pass me by. I existed in a state of unwanted-ness, and I ensured that, languished in it, comforted by Echo and the Bunnymen, Joy Division, and the Smiths.
Still love those bands, but now my answer to this moment is Yes, and they make a great soundtrack.
At the after hours soiree, these tunes played. The host alerted the guest to her relatively recent boob job. One of us replied, “I noticed those were great boobs.” And we were encouraged to feel them. They felt great. Technology is so amazing. We learned a lot about how they were installed, saw BEFORE shots, felt them again. We also learned that this was the woman’s way of getting back at her now ex-boyfriend. She knew that he was cheating on her, so she somehow got him to pay for her boob job, then broke up with him shortly after. “PAYBACK! You dumb motherfucker. This is what I call PAYBACK! Look at these things, they’re amazing, and I told him to take his ten thousand dollar ring and shove it up his ass. This is the best break up gift ever.”
As I said, I love LA.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Dust to Front
Ooooohhh Shit. Now I found it. Typing and some music. So tonight was kind of like any TGIF. I made it to the studio after work and made more make believe. Then I got home to clean up and work on the shine and absinthe in the works. Once things were finishing up I decided to drink a half glass of absinthe. A proper dose if you will. The only other time that I’ve drank absinthe is with my dad at the Czech embassy in Washington D.C. So whatever I made isn’t the same thing but, it’s strong probably attributable to the high alcohol content. Anyways, I’m glancing at lights and feeling in a certain sort of place that most artists find themselves in the romantic sense. And now I’m wondering why I’m typing any of this. I’m listening to Codeine. Remember those dudes? It was like emo make out music back in the day. So know I’m relating this experience of me ingesting these herbs and this sugar and yeast thing I made and the affects it’s having on my consciousness. All of our consciousness. Because, now you’re reading this and it’s all being introduced to you and entering you. Soon I will be brushing my teeth and begin a new journey to dreams and darkness but, before then something has to be said. Maybe it’s a part of what I’m feeling. The motions I was performing tonight. Alone in darkness with fire and altering substances. The thought of being a shaman and living that feeling more than I know. I like being alone and it causes some conflict. I miss my friends and then I don’t. Times like right now have happened to me over and over again. But, instead of a leather covered sketchbook to write in I have this blog. So here’s the stuff minus drawings of what is going on.
It’s all progressing and certain guilt is being felt. The world is dying slowing yet fast enough we can see it coming and we still build, love, and create in order to survive. The crawling hands pull back at the leaves that are forever gone. We wait to see when the sky is understood and nothing else has ever been that orange. All brilliant all lies. Laying it down to be eaten. The sun of the moon and all the things that go with it. The terrible truth is crawling across the counter. Find comfort with those ants they’re just living like you. No wisdom no smoke no sage it’s all in just us I guess. We could be feeling this because, a poison has entered us said to be a black bile it runs through us creating all the shadows and disbelief. What will we all do? What can anyone do? Watch that blur in your eyes come true. The dancing and shouting will keep happening to you.
It’s all progressing and certain guilt is being felt. The world is dying slowing yet fast enough we can see it coming and we still build, love, and create in order to survive. The crawling hands pull back at the leaves that are forever gone. We wait to see when the sky is understood and nothing else has ever been that orange. All brilliant all lies. Laying it down to be eaten. The sun of the moon and all the things that go with it. The terrible truth is crawling across the counter. Find comfort with those ants they’re just living like you. No wisdom no smoke no sage it’s all in just us I guess. We could be feeling this because, a poison has entered us said to be a black bile it runs through us creating all the shadows and disbelief. What will we all do? What can anyone do? Watch that blur in your eyes come true. The dancing and shouting will keep happening to you.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Bees
So as most of you have heard the bees are dying. There have been numerous discussions about this in the media but, nobody really seems too worried. It could be some crazy bee disease, like “bee aids” or a parasite that is spreading through the bee community. Some examinations have been done and no conclusive evidence to the widespread decrease in bee populations is understood. Without bees we can’t have pollination and without pollination we won’t have fruits, flowers, and other foods. .. It could mean the infrastructure of the United States agricultural production could come to a screeching halt and change our lives forever. Just from bees dying. . .
I like bees a lot. They are really fascinating creatures. They create beautiful hives, have complex roles for their society, have a queen, look cool, have stingers, and kill all the male drones every year. There are 1000’s of different species and they create honey, one of the most perfect foods in the world. My grandfather use to have bees. He had some bee boxes and he would go and collect honey. Unfortunately when I was kid I was too young to help take care of the bees and I think he was worried I’d get stung and my dad would get mad. I really wish that he would have given me one of those bee hats and a smoker and sent me to the bee box to help him out. I hope someday I can have bees like he did and maybe I’d let my grandkids get stung by bees and look into a bee hive and gather honey that they’ll eat later that day on a piece of wheat bread.
So what spawned the writing of this post about bees is I’ve seen a couple dying bees recently. In previous posts I’ve mentioned the fact that I make moonshine. A few weeks ago as I was distilling in my backyard I saw a bee kind of hanging around the still and this was at night. From my understanding bees are at home at night sleeping in their cells and taking a break from flying around all day. So a few nights ago a bee showed up again. This one was really fucked up. Like the previous bee he was kind of crawling around on the ground and seemed to be definitely lost or something. This bee I noticed at one point was particularly close to my feet and was kind of rolling on to its back like it couldn’t get on its feet. I tried to flip it over with a leaf but, it just kept rolling back onto its wings. At some point I lost sight of the bee and I don’t know where it ended up.
The next morning I was in the kitchen and I noticed a dead bee on the cutting board. It wasn’t squashed or anything just lying there dead and not moving. Maybe it was sleeping I’m not sure. Either way this could have been the same bee or a new bee that was in a state of death around me. I’m sure you were like most kids and usually when you interacted with a bee it was buzzing around you, somewhat menacing considering the loud stingy sound it makes and you felt this fear. This fear of being stung and maybe instilled in you from Looney Tune cartoons that bees get into formation and chase you forming arrow shapes and you can only escape by diving underwater. Well now this was a new way to interact with this amazing creature. To be around it when it wasn’t in complete control of its airspace. Demanding you to leave it alone just by zig zaging around your head so you could hear its buzz and see its distinctive yellow and black stripes. It was sad to see these bees like this. So I don’t know what’s happening. I hope we’re not killing all the bees like we’re killing so many other things in the world: ice caps, whales, and each other.
I like bees a lot. They are really fascinating creatures. They create beautiful hives, have complex roles for their society, have a queen, look cool, have stingers, and kill all the male drones every year. There are 1000’s of different species and they create honey, one of the most perfect foods in the world. My grandfather use to have bees. He had some bee boxes and he would go and collect honey. Unfortunately when I was kid I was too young to help take care of the bees and I think he was worried I’d get stung and my dad would get mad. I really wish that he would have given me one of those bee hats and a smoker and sent me to the bee box to help him out. I hope someday I can have bees like he did and maybe I’d let my grandkids get stung by bees and look into a bee hive and gather honey that they’ll eat later that day on a piece of wheat bread.
So what spawned the writing of this post about bees is I’ve seen a couple dying bees recently. In previous posts I’ve mentioned the fact that I make moonshine. A few weeks ago as I was distilling in my backyard I saw a bee kind of hanging around the still and this was at night. From my understanding bees are at home at night sleeping in their cells and taking a break from flying around all day. So a few nights ago a bee showed up again. This one was really fucked up. Like the previous bee he was kind of crawling around on the ground and seemed to be definitely lost or something. This bee I noticed at one point was particularly close to my feet and was kind of rolling on to its back like it couldn’t get on its feet. I tried to flip it over with a leaf but, it just kept rolling back onto its wings. At some point I lost sight of the bee and I don’t know where it ended up.
The next morning I was in the kitchen and I noticed a dead bee on the cutting board. It wasn’t squashed or anything just lying there dead and not moving. Maybe it was sleeping I’m not sure. Either way this could have been the same bee or a new bee that was in a state of death around me. I’m sure you were like most kids and usually when you interacted with a bee it was buzzing around you, somewhat menacing considering the loud stingy sound it makes and you felt this fear. This fear of being stung and maybe instilled in you from Looney Tune cartoons that bees get into formation and chase you forming arrow shapes and you can only escape by diving underwater. Well now this was a new way to interact with this amazing creature. To be around it when it wasn’t in complete control of its airspace. Demanding you to leave it alone just by zig zaging around your head so you could hear its buzz and see its distinctive yellow and black stripes. It was sad to see these bees like this. So I don’t know what’s happening. I hope we’re not killing all the bees like we’re killing so many other things in the world: ice caps, whales, and each other.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Monday, September 3, 2007
hot cold
It’s finally not hot anymore. We’ve had a little heat wave here in the Los Angeles region of the United States and it’s been very unbearable. I grew up in a very humid and hot place in VA so I was trying to think why the heat here was so much worse. Two reasons. I don’t have my parents AC and they have no “real” trees here. The trees make such a difference. So the sun is setting in the west and my body has this awkward feeling of the skin being a little sticky and tense. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling but, every few seconds a breeze blows across the back of my neck so that keeps me in my skin for a while. It’s been a day off from work and in that day, I got a ton done. Cleaned the parts of the house that I live in, updated my website, organized photos and now it’s more work into the cool eve. Moonshing will begin soon but before then I felt like sharing a rambling thought of life with you all.
I couldn’t get into the studio today because, the heat would have made art making terrible and frustrating. I got some time to get things done so I’m not too worried about it. Just like life you have to avoid those tense moments in the studio. I feel like life is full of all these moments of restraint and understanding and I’ve been seeing that I am not always what I want to be. But, then what is it that I want to be? Right? Do you ask yourself this? Every morning are you questioning what you’re doing and where you’re heading and in the evening an uncertain sadness might creep into you. I’ve seen this happen to people I love and myself. What can give us a constant state of insurance? Like my bro. . .over on the other blog we wonder when we can trust others and when we can trust ourselves. In the work place it’s one thing and in our life and relationships it’s another. This struggle for understanding and happiness will go on and on I guess and I’m just embracing the riddles and troubles and going for a ride. I’ve known this for a really long time it’s just nice to remind myself that it’s way easier than it seems sometimes. You have to follow you heart. Toward people, work, art, everything and then that feeling of doubt doesn’t really appear so often..
Sometimes the front of my head hurts and the back of my neck tingles. Especially if I’m drinking a smoothie and it’s super hot out and also when I miss the people I love and it feels like they’ve disappeared. What is that? What is so powerful about loving those around us that we feel immediate pain and wonder all consumed in us at once? We’ve shed tears, shouted, and been angry, wanted to run away, forget who we are and do something we would have never dreamed of 1 minute earlier. We can destroy these connections that exist between us with a few words or gestures. With almost nothing at all everything that is here and there between us can vaporize and we’re left with those roots inside us burning for the life they once had outside of us and in another.
The heat kind of tests these things. It makes us not ourselves and if we can just relax and hopefully have cool water to cover ourselves in then we can make it through it without catching on fire. The cool water of our thoughts and feelings. Maybe I’m delirious but I want you to know I’m out here and I love you. Where ever you are. Is this why the middle east is in so much suffering? I know many reasons are apparent but, isn’t it strange how a lot of suffering in the world occurs in hot dry places and the peaceful countries are in cold dark places?
I couldn’t get into the studio today because, the heat would have made art making terrible and frustrating. I got some time to get things done so I’m not too worried about it. Just like life you have to avoid those tense moments in the studio. I feel like life is full of all these moments of restraint and understanding and I’ve been seeing that I am not always what I want to be. But, then what is it that I want to be? Right? Do you ask yourself this? Every morning are you questioning what you’re doing and where you’re heading and in the evening an uncertain sadness might creep into you. I’ve seen this happen to people I love and myself. What can give us a constant state of insurance? Like my bro. . .over on the other blog we wonder when we can trust others and when we can trust ourselves. In the work place it’s one thing and in our life and relationships it’s another. This struggle for understanding and happiness will go on and on I guess and I’m just embracing the riddles and troubles and going for a ride. I’ve known this for a really long time it’s just nice to remind myself that it’s way easier than it seems sometimes. You have to follow you heart. Toward people, work, art, everything and then that feeling of doubt doesn’t really appear so often..
Sometimes the front of my head hurts and the back of my neck tingles. Especially if I’m drinking a smoothie and it’s super hot out and also when I miss the people I love and it feels like they’ve disappeared. What is that? What is so powerful about loving those around us that we feel immediate pain and wonder all consumed in us at once? We’ve shed tears, shouted, and been angry, wanted to run away, forget who we are and do something we would have never dreamed of 1 minute earlier. We can destroy these connections that exist between us with a few words or gestures. With almost nothing at all everything that is here and there between us can vaporize and we’re left with those roots inside us burning for the life they once had outside of us and in another.
The heat kind of tests these things. It makes us not ourselves and if we can just relax and hopefully have cool water to cover ourselves in then we can make it through it without catching on fire. The cool water of our thoughts and feelings. Maybe I’m delirious but I want you to know I’m out here and I love you. Where ever you are. Is this why the middle east is in so much suffering? I know many reasons are apparent but, isn’t it strange how a lot of suffering in the world occurs in hot dry places and the peaceful countries are in cold dark places?
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